I wonder how other people do it. Others seem so put-together and strong. Some people even seem to genuinely not care how others perceive them…Whether other people like them or not. I’m not strong like that. It matters to me. J’s cousin-in-law (if there’s such a thing) has not returned any of my overtures of friendship. She hasn’t responded to texts. She hasn’t acknowledged my name change. She didn’t send me a birthday or Christmas card and she didn’t mention that she received mine. I wonder if I’m unlikeable and she’s decided not to waste her time on me. I wonder if I’ve offended her somehow. Maybe I’ve revealed that I’m too weak and insecure for her liking. I’m not sure. I know I should get over it and move on, but I keep returning to it in my mind and it hurts even though I try to pretend it doesn’t. I don’t know whether to stop making the effort altogether – just let her be and not try to have a relationship, but something inside of me is repulsed by that idea because she’s family. Maybe I’m over-analyzing everything. Maybe she doesn’t have a strong negative emotion towards me… Maybe she’s just too busy to send a text, or to send a card, or to send an email.
How do I let it go? How can I just choose to accept that she may like me but be too busy to show it, or she may not like me?
I suppose that the first step (the first step to getting over it AND the first step to being likeable) is to like myself. People like confidence in a person so long as it’s not arrogance. But the bottom line is I don’t like myself. I know I have lots of good things to offer the world, but it’s not enough to be useful. I want to be loved.
I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie the other day. Great movie. One of the things that someone said was that “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Maybe that’s why I feel like J doesn’t love me even though he earnestly claims he does. Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve his love so I mentally and emotionally reject the loving things he does and focus instead on the thoughtless things he does. Maybe I’m filtering out the things that don’t match up with my beliefs.
I’m so broken. I want to be fixed. …but it’s become unbearably obvious that I cannot fix myself. God help me, because I’m so lost.