The Man in My Dreams

Relationships

A few years ago I had a sucker punch of a dream.  I was in my kitchen with C having a conversation while I stirred something on the stove.  J was in the adjacent room with C’s wife having a dialogue of their own.  When I turned back from tending the food I was cooking, C was just inches away, looking down at me with a very vulnerable expression of desire.  Very slowly, he leaned down and kissed me gently, slowly, tenderly, sweetly.  And yet it was a kiss promising something more.  And in my dream, I kissed him back as J stood 20 feet away.

I woke up with a start.  I had just dreamed about a married man, and me, a married woman!  I had never thought of C that way until that moment.  And I was left with my own yearning.  For C, yes, but mostly for the feeling of being wanted.  I don’t remember the last time that J expressed that kind of desire.  It’s humiliating to admit it, but I can’t recall the last time J made love to me.  Not since 2011, that’s for sure.  It’s almost surreal to realize that for the entirety of 2012, my husband didn’t reach for me.

I have a lot of jumbled feelings.  C really does move something in me that I don’t feel for J.  J doesn’t want me.  I must be undesirable.  What man would want me, much less C.  Besides, he’s married.  And oh yes, so am I.  I recognized that the feelings I was experiencing for the man in my dreams could become a real problem.  I had to tell J about it.  And I did.

“Babe, I need you to understand that I am having some very real temptations.  Please.  I need you to have sex with me.  Soon.  And with some regularity, because I desperately don’t want to betray you.”

No dice.  No passion.

“Babe?  I have something to ask you, and I want you to know that whatever your answer is, we’re in this together.  We’ll work through this.  Okay?  Ready?  Alright, here goes: Are you gay?  *pause*  No?  Not gay?  Are you SURE?”

Oh.  Then it must be me.  It’s true.  I’m undesirable as a woman.  My own husband doesn’t want to bed me.

And what about my confusing feelings for C?  I knew it was a bigger problem than I had realized before when I asked myself what I would do if he really did express sexual desire for me.  Would I say no to save my marriage?  Possibly not.  Would I say no to protect his children from the pain I felt when my own dad had an affair?  Oh dear, probably not even then.  Would I say no because I love my God and want to honor the moral code He gave His people?  To my shame, I couldn’t conclusively decide either way.  The only thing, at that moment, that would keep me from giving myself to him (aside from the fact that he probably has no desire for me and would almost assuredly never ask such a thing), is that that he is a pastor of my church – the church I love – and I simply could not be the one to cause such a scandal.

Oh dear, this IS a problem, I realized.

I came clean (again) to J.  Luckily, the event that caused me to spend a lot of time with C passed, and I found that the less time I spent with him, the less sexual tension I felt around him.

Now that I’m not in the middle of a mind/body tug-of-war, I can better analyze how I felt and why.  I realize now, that the sex bit really is only part of it.  I mean, he’s not smashingly handsome, though he does have his own charm.  He’s not very tall (so he wouldn’t have to lean down to kiss me – funny how dreams aren’t so very accurate in some things).  He’s got rather large canines.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s not ugly.  No.  He is attractive in his own way…  His grin is infectious.  And the tattoos that peek out from under his shirt sleeves drive me a little crazy because I want to see what other mysteries his body holds hidden underneath those clothes…  But really, it’s his mind that does me in.  His charisma.  His intelligence.  The way he laughs so very frequently.  The way he makes ME laugh so frequently.  The way he uses big words that I understand and J doesn’t.  The way his face seems to light up when I say “Hey C?”  The way he makes me feel important.

That man is poison to me.  As horrible as it is that my dad betrayed mom and me….  In a way, I’m thankful.  Because I know that the danger is there.  No one is immune.  Anyone can fall.  And because I am able to recognize – in advance – that C is dangerous to me…  Because of THAT, I am able to guard my thoughts, my actions.

There is power in secrets.  By telling J of the dangers C poses to me (to us) without even being aware of his magnetism, there is a degree of safety.  There is a freedom in telling the truth.

Alas, I wish there was a “getting laid” in telling the truth.

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2 thoughts on “The Man in My Dreams

  1. I really need to get to bed, but keep reading your blog now. Your honesty is good, refreshing, but girl, don’t forget that sin will always take you much farther than you’d ever want to go. Have you ever read Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl? RUN and get yourself a copy–please. Before Sue’s book that I just recommended, b/c I’m going to be believing your husband has desired you at some point, and you can only control yourself…so getting busy with becoming desirable should be your first course of action, and praying heartily to be that way. God will bless you for your righteous efforts. No one can control what happens with your husband’s heart, but I have known many stories of a marriage being brought back from the brink. You will never forgive yourself if you become a marriage wrecking whore. I’m just telling you how it would go down, in Christian love. My heart hurts for what all you are saying. I could see us being friends IRL with the way you write and how you are so honest. Of course, you might read my blog and be all in to the things I’m so not in to…so LOL, that would be a funny realization.

    I’m praying for you.

    1. My friend, I want to thank you for taking the time and interest to interact with my thoughts. I really appreciated what you wrote in response to my post about yearning for meaningful relationship. You’re right, I have been looking to others for validation rather than seeking Christ. The Holy Spirit really convicted me in that regard and I’ve been dwelling on what it means to cultivate relationship with God. Thank you for that.
      In response to this one, though, I must object. You do not know the whole story. You said that you were pretty sure that at one time J desired me and that I should work on making myself desirable. In this regard, you are not fully informed. J is what I would call asexual. He is not gay, and he does find women attractive, myself included…but sex isn’t important to him. I could be the most beautiful and most kind woman in the world, and he would still not want to make love to me. I am perpetually working on myself, but there is nothing I could do to make him desire me sexually.
      We are in therapy together, so we are certainly not giving up. And as for being a whore… Wow. Strong word there. What of David and Bathsheba? Was she a whore? I think not. They sinned, yes, but whoring? That’s when you sleep with many, many people, not when you have an affair with a single person, which, I might add, I have not done.
      This blog is about me expressing how I feel. C is attractive to me, but I recognize that he is dangerous to me, and I am keeping myself far from him because of that fact.
      So, I suppose that this is all I wanted to say in response to your comments. I felt it unkind for me to not acknowledge your thoughts, but I cannot be authentic without telling you that I think you are too quick to make judgements on this particular occasion.
      Regardless, I do thank you for your interest and concern, and also for the words of kindness that you offered in your other comments.

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