My Yearning for Meaningful Relationship

Relationships

I’m lonely, and I don’t know how not to be. In theory, I know that to have good friends, one must be a good friend. In real life, though, I’m not sure what I can do differently. I think that I’m a pretty great friend, or, more accurately, I have the potential to be a great friend if only people would make time for me. I’m a great listener. I’m generous. I’m kind. I genuinely care about people and how they’re doing. Why, then, do I not have a best friend who will return my emails, much less call?

I think that part of it is the Seattle Freeze.

But I worry that there may be more to it. When I was in high school there was this girl in my choir class. She was a sweet girl, but she was exhausting to be around because she was so clingy and needy…always seeking affirmation, rather than offering her own wonderful perspective and personality during daily interactions. She was, in a word, desperate. I worry that this is how I’ve become. I worry that people can see my insecurity and my desperation, and that I repulse them. People like confident people. But I am not confident any more. I used to be, but, alas, that part of me – the likable part – is broken.

How does one grow confidence back? How does a person stop being needy and desperate for love? If I don’t think of myself as likable, how can anyone else? But I can’t seem to fix myself no matter how hard I try.

And yet, I can’t be as messed up as I think I am. C and A like playing games with J and me, and M from church told me just today that she wants to hang out with me soon, and H tells me all the time that she adores me and loves working with me, and M from work frequently tells me that I deserve every good thing…

What, then, is my problem? Why don’t I have a “bosom” friend, as Anne of Green Gables would say? I want someone to share life with… Yes, I have J, but a husband isn’t the same as a best friend.

Am I expecting too much?

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2 thoughts on “My Yearning for Meaningful Relationship

  1. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I have felt that way at times in my life. My husband is truly my best friend, outside of Christ. I think all people have a God-shaped need in their life…I know I did. Being raised Catholic, I knew about God, but I did not have an intimate relationship with Him. I didn’t realize how much He knew and loved me…or how my sin offended God and that because I hadn’t submitted my will to His, asking for forgiveness of my sins, I was His enemy. Stuck in a cycle of feeling great about myself, feeling like a loser, being lonely, being awesome…life spiraled around and around, and something deep down was always missing. I needed people to meet a need to feel fulfilled and complete, and that neediness took a lot of work. I had to maintain several close friendships, ensuring I was the ‘best’ friend of several people, so I could be validated. Even after giving my life to Christ, it took a move that left me with no close friends for many hrs of driving, to see this sin problem I had. It was a sin of being ego-centric for me, and one of not going to my Creator with my needs first, but instead going to other people first and God when I had to. He wanted first place, and He loved me enough to get me nice and lonely so I saw the root of the problem. I hope some of this will help you. I’ve not read any other thing on your blog, and I have no idea where you are with God. If you want to really start to know Him, get a Bible and for one month read and re-read the gospel of John. You will start seeing who Jesus really is in a whole new way. http://www.gty.org has some fantastic sermons (John MacArthur) as well as http://www.abouttbc.org (Mike Reid) or Calvary Chapel in PA

    1. I mentioned how much I appreciated this comment when I replied to your comment under the man in my dreams post, but I wanted to add one thing. I really respect your courage to tell me about your faith. Thank you again for taking the time.

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