My Illogical Feelings and My Excessive Use of Ellipses

Brokenness, Musings, Work

So much has happened in the past few months. So many times I have thought that I should write about this or that. Visiting my mom… Spending time with my sister and brother… Interviewing at the nonprofit and the disappointment of not being awarded the job… Interviewing at the real estate firm and the joy of being offered (and accepting) the position… The strange dream that seemed so profound, but oh so confusing at the same time… My birthday and the perplexing cocktail of disappointment and happiness that surround all my recent birthdays…

So many things I could have written about, but the moments all seemed to slip by. My life is slipping by.

And now here I am, finally writing, and I don’t know where to start. All I know is that I feel sad. Lonely. …and I don’t know why. I have been shown so much love recently, so my feelings are not justified. And yet, it IS how I feel. I want to analyze my feelings away, but I can’t because there’s no logic behind it all. It just is this way… I just feel this way… I just am this way… Without explanation. And why am I finally writing now when I should have written all those other times when I actually had something to say?

(Aside: I like to analyze my feelings when I’m low because, I think, I’m more comfortable in my cerebral mode than in my feelings. I may have already blogged about this. It’s been so long, and I just don’t remember.)

So there you go. I’m sad. For no apparent reason. (Yes, I know. “Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are.”)


Feelings of Impotence


I don’t know if I’m imagining it or not, but it seems life life gets progressively harder from one year to the next.

That’s to be expected early on. As children, our basic needs (food, shelter, love and whatnot) are taken care of for us. Each year we earn additional freedoms and responsibilities, so it makes sense that life would get harder. I get that.

But what about now? Is it just me, or does life get harder as an adult too? I am becoming more keenly aware of other people’s suffering with each passing day. Every day there is yet another great injustice or heartbreaking trial to add to the growing list. Human trafficking, violence, abuse, the loss of loved ones, terrible illnesses. It becomes impossible to carry the weight of it all, yet I feel I somehow must.

Is the world becoming a more hostile and painful place, or am I simply more awake to it?

And what can I do about it as an individual? How can I defend the helpless and love the unloved when the problems seem so insurmountable?