My Illogical Feelings and My Excessive Use of Ellipses

Brokenness, Musings, Work

So much has happened in the past few months. So many times I have thought that I should write about this or that. Visiting my mom… Spending time with my sister and brother… Interviewing at the nonprofit and the disappointment of not being awarded the job… Interviewing at the real estate firm and the joy of being offered (and accepting) the position… The strange dream that seemed so profound, but oh so confusing at the same time… My birthday and the perplexing cocktail of disappointment and happiness that surround all my recent birthdays…

So many things I could have written about, but the moments all seemed to slip by. My life is slipping by.

And now here I am, finally writing, and I don’t know where to start. All I know is that I feel sad. Lonely. …and I don’t know why. I have been shown so much love recently, so my feelings are not justified. And yet, it IS how I feel. I want to analyze my feelings away, but I can’t because there’s no logic behind it all. It just is this way… I just feel this way… I just am this way… Without explanation. And why am I finally writing now when I should have written all those other times when I actually had something to say?

(Aside: I like to analyze my feelings when I’m low because, I think, I’m more comfortable in my cerebral mode than in my feelings. I may have already blogged about this. It’s been so long, and I just don’t remember.)

So there you go. I’m sad. For no apparent reason. (Yes, I know. “Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are.”)


Sexism in the Workplace, and Other Demeaning Assumptions


I work in downtown Seattle at a prestigious, national firm in a male-dominated industry. [Think of the TV show Mad Men.] I spend part of my day answering the telephones. I’ve been with the firm for nearly four years and my role is extremely important. One might say that I am vital for many of the regular day-to-day operations.

And yet, I feel like my job is lowly and unappreciated. I once fielded a phone call that was highly offensive and demeaning, and yet I think it is the stereotypical belief. “Can you help me, or are you just the receptionist?”

Another time I got a call, and I was able to efficiently assist the very frustrated caller. He thanked me by saying, “I generally don’t like to work with women, but you’re okay.” Oh jeepers, sir, thanks so much for such a shining compliment!

And then, more recently, this:

Caller: Hi, can you connect me to P (man)?
Me: I’m sorry, he’s currently unavailable. Would you like his voicemail or someone on his team?
Caller: Sure, send me to his secretary.
Me: One moment, please, while I check who is available.
Me: It’s my pleasure to connect you to H (man).
Caller: *hysterical laughter* His secretary is a man!
Me: I’ll connect you now.

I wish I could have said Amazing right? Also, did you hear the crazy news that women can now VOTE! What’s the world coming to?!

There’s just not much respect, even today.