My Yearning for Meaningful Relationship

Relationships

I’m lonely, and I don’t know how not to be. In theory, I know that to have good friends, one must be a good friend. In real life, though, I’m not sure what I can do differently. I think that I’m a pretty great friend, or, more accurately, I have the potential to be a great friend if only people would make time for me. I’m a great listener. I’m generous. I’m kind. I genuinely care about people and how they’re doing. Why, then, do I not have a best friend who will return my emails, much less call?

I think that part of it is the Seattle Freeze.

But I worry that there may be more to it. When I was in high school there was this girl in my choir class. She was a sweet girl, but she was exhausting to be around because she was so clingy and needy…always seeking affirmation, rather than offering her own wonderful perspective and personality during daily interactions. She was, in a word, desperate. I worry that this is how I’ve become. I worry that people can see my insecurity and my desperation, and that I repulse them. People like confident people. But I am not confident any more. I used to be, but, alas, that part of me – the likable part – is broken.

How does one grow confidence back? How does a person stop being needy and desperate for love? If I don’t think of myself as likable, how can anyone else? But I can’t seem to fix myself no matter how hard I try.

And yet, I can’t be as messed up as I think I am. C and A like playing games with J and me, and M from church told me just today that she wants to hang out with me soon, and H tells me all the time that she adores me and loves working with me, and M from work frequently tells me that I deserve every good thing…

What, then, is my problem? Why don’t I have a “bosom” friend, as Anne of Green Gables would say? I want someone to share life with… Yes, I have J, but a husband isn’t the same as a best friend.

Am I expecting too much?

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The Pursuit

The Happiness Project

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about happiness lately.  Mostly, probably, because I’ve been so unhappy for so many years.  In the American culture, despite the adage that money can’t buy happiness, we seem to believe that it can.  It seems to me, however, that the more money I personally have, the less happy I become.  …or maybe there are other forces at work here…

I’ve dedicated 2013 as the year I learn to be happy.  I’ve done some light research on it (and by that I mean I’ve looked at what other people have found out).  Specifically, I read a book called The Happiness Project not long ago, and then tonight J and I watched a documentary called Happy.

I think the bottom line is that I need to consider making some major changes to the way I do life.  I want to get off the money train and focus on the things that matter.  Relationship.  Compassion.  Generosity.  Altruism.  (Yes, I know.  There is a lot of overlap here.)

Such changes are much easier said than done, though.  For example, I’ve been trying to be more social lately, but it’s slow going.  I have a kind of social anxiety that makes it exceedingly hard for me to be around people I don’t know very well, and if someone shows an apparent hesitation to hang out with me, I easily lose heart and give up.  A pox upon the Seattle Freeze!  (Maybe I should just move somewhere else.  Oh yeah, I have a mortgage.  Never mind.)

So, the pursuit continues.

If anyone out there has any brilliant ideas on how to be happy, I welcome your thoughts.