If wishes were horses, I’d have a whole herd.

Relationships

I’m so tired.

I feel like most of the time that J and I spend together is strained.  Counselor has been telling us that we need to learn to ask for our wants and needs, and so I have been making an effort to do so rather than resent him when he doesn’t read my mind.  It should be simple, right?  It can’t be that hard, can it?  Yep. Very hard.  If the thing I want is an emotionally charged request (“Will you please hold me? I’m lonely”), it’s hard to be vulnerable enough to ask for it, especially knowing that he is allowed to say no.  Counselor says it’s important to say no sometimes.  When someone says yes to every single request, it begins to feel inauthentic.  (I think, in general, this is a female way of thinking.  “I want him to choose to stay home with me because he WANTS to be with me, not because I TELL him.”  Ladies, does that sound familiar to you?)  Well, if every time I ask J for something he says yes then it doesn’t feel like he’s actually choosing to do whatever it is I am asking for.  It feels like he’s going through the motions but doesn’t actually mean the sentiment behind the request.  Theoretically, if he says no from time to time, then when he does say yes, I can trust that he actually wants it…or means it…or whatever.  (Shoot, I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone other than me.  Okay, back to the topic at hand…)

It’s hard for me to ask J for what I need from him.  Because it’s a vulnerable place, right?  And what if he does say no?  And, even worse, what if he says no in one of the nasty, sneaky, confusing ways?  What if he says no by getting defensive, simultaneously making me feel like I’m being unreasonable AND distracting me from my original request by raising a new complaint of his own?  Or what if he says no by verbally saying yes, but not following through on whatever he’s agreeing to?  (*Ahem!* Sex.)  Or what if he says no by saying yes and sort of following through, but not being fully present in the gesture.  (Like I’ll ask him for more physical affection and he’ll put his hand on my knee while browsing on his phone with the other hand.)  All of these ways of effectively saying no without actually saying the word “no” are so much harder to take than a real no.  If he said something like “I’m sorry, Sophie, but <insert reason>,” at least then I’d feel like my request hasn’t been belittled.  At least then I would have a chance to offer an alternative that would meet the need behind the requested gesture.  (“You don’t want to kiss me because you don’t feel close to me?  Okay, well, what if we just held hands for now and see if we can start to feel closer?”)

I’m making J out to be this terrible, villainous character.  He’s not.  He’s a really good man, and I respect him a lot…  He’s not trying to be a jerk.  I don’t think he realizes what he’s doing.

I wish we could unload all the…  All the BADNESS of the past decade and just start fresh.  There’s so much crap between us that we end up defaulting to bad reactions (both of us).  We hear accusation in a tone of voice, even when it’s not there.  I wish it wasn’t like this.  I wish I could ask for my emotional needs to be met, without shame or guilt or fear.  And I wish that he could do the same.

I wish a lot for my marriage.

There has to be away to get past this ugliness in our relationship.  There has to be a future for us.

Step 1: Choose to Like Myself. (I’ve failed already.)

Brokenness

I wonder how other people do it.  Others seem so put-together and strong.  Some people even seem to genuinely not care how others perceive them…Whether other people like them or not.  I’m not strong like that.  It matters to me.  J’s cousin-in-law (if there’s such a thing) has not returned any of my overtures of friendship.  She hasn’t responded to texts.  She hasn’t acknowledged my name change.  She didn’t send me a birthday or Christmas card and she didn’t mention that she received mine.  I wonder if I’m unlikeable and she’s decided not to waste her time on me.  I wonder if I’ve offended her somehow.  Maybe I’ve revealed that I’m too weak and insecure for her liking.  I’m not sure.  I know I should get over it and move on, but I keep returning to it in my mind and it hurts even though I try to pretend it doesn’t.  I don’t know whether to stop making the effort altogether – just let her be and not try to have a relationship, but something inside of me is repulsed by that idea because she’s family.  Maybe I’m over-analyzing everything.  Maybe she doesn’t have a strong negative emotion towards me…  Maybe she’s just too busy to send a text, or to send a card, or to send an email.

How do I let it go?  How can I just choose to accept that she may like me but be too busy to show it, or she may not like me?

I suppose that the first step (the first step to getting over it AND the first step to being likeable) is to like myself.  People like confidence in a person so long as it’s not arrogance.  But the bottom line is I don’t like myself.  I know I have lots of good things to offer the world, but it’s not enough to be useful.  I want to be loved.

I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie the other day.  Great movie.  One of the things that someone said was that “we accept the love we think we deserve.”  Maybe that’s why I feel like J doesn’t love me even though he earnestly claims he does.  Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve his love so I mentally and emotionally reject the loving things he does and focus instead on the thoughtless things he does.  Maybe I’m filtering out the things that don’t match up with my beliefs.

I’m so broken.  I want to be fixed.  …but it’s become unbearably obvious that I cannot fix myself.  God help me, because I’m so lost.